How To Write A Resume That Will NOT Get You A Job!

By on July 15, 2018

Are you still living comfortably in your parents’ basement playing video games? Does your mom still bake you chocolate chip cookies when your friends come over to play World of Warcraft with you? Has she been nagging you to start applying for jobs? No worries! Now you can apply for a job with a resume so awesome, you’re guaranteed to NEVER get a job! Here are some simple steps to write a resume that will keep you comfortably in your parents’ basement for at least another few years, AND you can tell mom you’ve been applying everywhere!

How To Write A Resume That Will NOT Get You A Job!

First, you’ll want to go out and get some headshots done. Yes, headshots. A photo booth at the local mall will work perfectly. This is best done first thing in the morning. When you haul yourself out of bed bright and early to begin your day at noon, yell upstairs that you’ll be starting your job search today! Your mother will swell with pride! Now, here’s the important part. Make sure to not brush your hair or teeth and don’t wash your face (obviously a shower is out of the question, but like you were going to shower anyways!). It’s best to wear what you slept in, but if you slept naked, you might have to throw some dirty clothes on (the ones lying on the floor from last night are your best bet) so you don’t get arrested in public. That would totally cut into videogame time! Now, you’re ready to go off to the mall to get these special headshots. Get in the photo booth and give that camera a huge bleary eyed grin! Show all your teeth if possible! Work your angles! Pose! Look fierce! Excellent! Take those pictures and head on home, it’s time for the next stop to your awesome resume.

Next, it’s time to type up this resume. It’s best to start out with an “Objective Statement”. This should describe exactly what you’re looking for, for example “Seeking job I do not have to work at, I prefer to spend most of my time at home in my parents’ basement, so a job I don’t have to be at very often would be right up my alley!” Remember, grammatical and spelling errors are OK!

Next, time to list your previous work experience. Now, since you’ve never really held a job (well, besides McDonald’s for a month in highschool), you’ll need to list your videogame clan experience. Have you been head of your clan for years? List it! Any special videogame powers! List those too! These skills really go far in the workplace.

Now, there should be one last section called “Additional Skills”, make sure to list all of your additional skills. Most likely some major ninja skillz, employers love those! Also list any religious and political affiliations, no matter how radical or off the beaten track!

Ok, now you should have the perfect resume that will NOT get you a job typed up and ready to go. Time to print this baby out, colored paper looks great. Neon paper is even better. Print out some copies of those and carefully snip out some of the super awesome pictures you took this morning. Take some gooey glue (rubber cement works excellently) and glue a picture of you on each one. You want those employers to know exactly who they’re looking at! You’ve been working hard almost all day now, so time to call mom for some pizza rolls or greasy cookies (she knows you’ve been working hard on your resume all day, so she’ll be all too happy to oblige). Gobble these up right over your resume pile with your bare fingers, make sure a few greasy crumbs fall on each one, these leave some classy little grease blots without looking like you put in too much effort. ;)

Congratulations, you should now have the perfect resume to hand out to employers to make mom proud AND keep you in her basement for at least another few years! These steps should have shown you how to write the perfect resume that will NOT get you a job! BUT, if in some unlucky circumstance you get an interview, check out my article on how to blow an interview, you wouldn’t want to have to actually do any work anytime soon, right? Good luck!

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